Stop curating, start connecting

Nobody posts pictures of their messy kitchens on social media. Eileen, my cleanliness-obsessed wife, is embarrassed to invite guests over because of the clutter at home. She wants to renovate the kitchen (granite countertop, refinishing cabinets, and changing a couple of appliances). I did a quick mockup in Photoshop (thanks to the nano-banana plugin) to try to persuade her that it probably not worth the typical $25-30K expense.

Click thumbnails in blogpost for larger view:

Here's what I learned from my recent behavioral science course: authenticity beats perfection every single time. That messy kitchen you're hiding? It might be exactly what someone else needs to see today.

I used to think mental well-being meant having everything figured out. Clean house, organized schedule, perfect work-life balance.

Then I discovered the power of saying YES to MESS.

Dan Ariely, the course instructor, shared research showing how our need for perfection damages our mental health. We spend so much energy curating our image that we forget to live authentically.

When Perfect Becomes the Enemy

Dr. Vivek Murthy, the US Surgeon General, puts it perfectly. He talks about how he and his family struggled to get their house "perfect" before having people over. Finally, driven by desperation, they gave up. They invited friends over anyway, saying "the house is a disaster and we don't really know what to make, but just come hang out with us for an hour."

Result? They had the best time.

That's the thing about authenticity - it creates connection. When you show your messy kitchen, other people think "wow, my house is messy too. Maybe I can also host a dinner party."

My sister told me she loves Priya Parker who talks about the art of gathering. I did not have enough time to research, so will include something in a future article. It reminds me of my old team's incredible connection during the COVID when we were all working remotely. That kind of camaraderie is missing these days....

The Two-Letter Superpower

Another powerful tool I learned: The word NO.

We often get distracted by tasks that prevent us from doing critical things. But saying no strategically frees up TIME for what actually matters to your well-being.

You don't have to be blunt about it.

• Try "Let me check and get back to you" to buy thinking time.
• "It doesn't align with my top three priorities this quarter."
• Frame it positively: "Thank you for considering me, but I can't take on this project because I'm focused on [whatever you're doing].
• It's a great opportunity but I don't have the bandwidth."

I've started practicing this myself. In the past two weeks, I

• Stepped down as moderator on a Discord with 60,000 members.
• Said no to joining an invite-only UK based investing club.
• Tried to shut down quarterly reporting at work that felt was no longer relevant

Each "no" creates space for a "yes" to something better.

Curating Your Mental Diet

Just like you are what you eat, you are what you consume mentally. I've been intentionally curating my information diet.

I have been reading Roca News every morning - it gives me different perspectives than my echo chamber in just 6 minutes.

Also read The Week - UK Edition through my library's free subscription for international viewpoints.

Discovered Farnam Street for deeper thinking.

LinkedIn becomes valuable when you connect with experts.

YouTube's algorithm works for you when you're deliberate about what you watch.

Your mental inputs shape your mental outputs, so choose them wisely.

Small Changes, Big Impact

The behavioral science research is clear: small, consistent changes compound into major improvements in well-being.

Start with one area. Maybe it's embracing a little mess in your creative space. Maybe it's saying no to one commitment that drains you. Maybe it's replacing one mindless scroll with intentional reading.

The goal isn't perfection. It's progress.

Be honest about where you are and make small moves toward where you want to be. Sometimes, that means posting the messy kitchen. Sometimes, it means saying no to good opportunities so you can say yes to great ones.

Your well-being matters more than your image. And your authentic mess might be exactly what someone else needs to see today.

Bonus Behavioural Science Tip

The cunning strategy of "Isaac Newton" results in 1 million+ views in the YouTube short below, because people fuel the algorithm by trying to correct someone else. The same trick is used in those Facebook quizzes with simple math, worded ambiguously to have multiple correct answers.